You Can't Have Them Both

Dr. Andreas Braun - Sebastian Sun -Sebastian, FL, U.S.A.

Friday, May 11, 2007

Judy complains, "My mother doesn't love me." Ralph's big problem is that his boss doesn't respect him. Mary hurts because she feels her husband doesn't pay enough attention to her.

When we have problems like that, we naturally try to change the people and situations we feel are the cause of these problems. But stop for a moment and ask yourself this: Where am I experiencing my problem? Where is it? Where exactly is the location where it takes place?

I know this may sound like strange questions, but bear with me. Where do you experience your problems? Of course the answer is: Inside of you. In your thinking, your emotions and in your body.

This reminds me of a story of the crazy-wise Sufi character Nasrudin. Late one night, after many hours of visiting the local taverns, Nasrudin was seen by his neighbor looking for something under the streetlight. The neighbor joined him and said, "Hey Nasrudin, have you lost something?"

"Yes," Nasrudin replied, "I've lost my house key and I can't get in the door."
So they both looked under the streetlight for the key. They couldn't find a thing. Finally the neighbor asked, "Do you remember where you dropped your key?"

"Yes," Nasrudin said, "I lost it over there by my door. But it's so dark over there I couldn't see a thing. So I came over here because it's much easier to search here under the streetlight."

So, isn't that what we are trying to do?

We feel unloved or disrespected, we don't get enough attention, or anything else that creates tension or discomfort inside us. And then we're trying to fix it out there; we're trying to fix the person or situation that we blame for our stress.

We don't ask ourselves the simple question, "Where does my discomfort take place?"
If we would ask that then we would know very clearly where it needs to be fixed. If the problem is experienced inside of us, it needs to be fixed there. This is so simple, and so obvious, that we usually overlook it.

It's as if we want to blame the other person. It makes us look okay in our own eyes. Then we can feel that we are misunderstood, hurt, treated unfairly by the world. Oh how sweet it is to be a victim of other people's shortcomings.

And what has it ever done for you? It brings you nothing but more pain.

At one point we get tired of being victimized by people and situations. Then it's time to realize that we've been looking for a solution under the streetlight. And then maybe we can start looking for the key to our peace where it actually is.

Only then do we have a chance for success.

If you really want to fix what's hurting you, fix it inside of you. If you want love, there is a wealth of it available right in your heart. Find it there. If you want respect, respect yourself fully and completely; then, what your boss does or doesn't do will affect you much less. If you're lacking for attention, give yourself some.

You can be the master of your life, if you choose that. Or, by blaming, you can continue to be a victim of circumstances or other people's lack of caring.

Which one is more appealing to you? You can't have them both.

Image: "Nasruddin searching for his key" by Marina Montanaro 2005.